Argus Hamilton on Scientology

I used to have a regular blog entry with comments from Argus Hamilton but I stopped it because it was really quite off-topic.

Argus, however, has two new Scientology comments, and on top of that they really are funny, as usual:

December 2:

Tom Cruise's new movie - "Valkyrie," opening Christmas Day - is the true story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit. Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today that they have to play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie careers.

December 19:

Tom Cruise apologized on the "Today Show" for pushing his Scientology beliefs on depression sufferers. He also thanked his parents for all their sacrifices for his success. Three times they sacrificed a chicken and once they sacrificed a goat.

Daily Argus Hamilton

http://www.extremeink.com/jokes/2008/07/argus-hamiltons-column-for-7-25-08.html

"John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at the Beverly Hilton Monday seeing his mistress and their infant love child. So that's it. All last year when he campaigned against premature withdrawal everybody assumed he was talking about Iraq."

"Barack Obama continued his tour of the Middle East and Europe Wednesday where he posed for pictures of himself with world leaders, pictures of himself with the troops, and pictures of himself in foreign capitals. The worst is yet to come. Is there anything in the world more aggravating than someone just back from vacation?"

"President Bush told a Houston crowd Friday that Wall Street was on a drunk and he wondered when they will sober up. He's one to talk. The decision to cite false evidence to invade Iraq showed such sobriety that AA just added it to the Twelve Steps."

Daily Argus Hamilton

http://www.extremeink.com/jokes/2008/07/argus-hamiltons-column-for-7-24-08.html

"Condoleezza Rice told Iran Monday to get serious about ending its nuclear enrichment program. She's not kidding. The only reason the United States hasn't invaded Iran is because the president keeps text-messaging the go-order with his television remote"

Daily Argus Hamilton

http://www.extremeink.com/jokes/2008/07/argus-hamiltons-column-for-7-23-08.html

"Iraq endorsed Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. The candidates have similar plans. John McCain favors pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months, if time's still measured in months a hundred years from now."

Daily Argus Hamilton

http://www.extremeink.com/jokes/2008/07/argus-hamiltons-column-for-7-22-08.html

"Wall Street soared as oil fell Friday, but gasoline stayed high. There's so much money in the gas station business they've installed TV screens at the pump. They ought to play porn movies so you can see someone else is getting screwed the same time you are."

"Barack Obama landed in Afghanistan on Saturday where he met with the provincial governor of Jalalabad. It was nothing new to him. To Democrats, all governors who don't run New York or Massachusetts or California are considered provincial governors."

"Iraq's prime minister Nouri al-Maliki said Friday he favors Barack Obama's plan to pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq in sixteen months. Last year Barack Obama's plan was to pull all U.S. troops out in one month. At this rate, by the time Barack Obama becomes president he'll be naming the permanent U.S. bases in Iraq after Teddy Kennedy."

"Chicago O'Hare Airport officials dispatched ambulances to assist the Mexicana Airlines jet that overshot the runway and crashed into a safety barrier Friday. No one was hurt. All one hundred and forty-two passengers parachuted out over California."

Daily Argus Hamilton

July 16 entries

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave birth to twins last weekend in France, adding to their growing brood. It's one noisy house. The children they have adopted have already begun demanding international development aid from the children they have had."

"Miss Venezuela won the title of Miss Universe Sunday. Miss USA slipped onstage and fell legs up in a slit evening gown for the second straight year. Ever since Britney Spears started doing their choreography they get a lot more views on YouTube."

Daily Argus Hamilton

"John McCain began seriously considering possible GOP vice presidential running mates during the Fourth of July weekend. There's an added interest in the job due to his advanced years. John McCain needs someone who is ready to take over on Day Two."

Daily Argus Hamilton

"Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon Sunday, beating Roger Federer in the best played and most epic tennis match anybody has ever seen. The whole world was riveted. Osama bin Laden was almost captured because he refused to change caves during the fifth set."

Daily Argus Hamilton

This news reserves the right to quotes even off-topics news-jokes from Argus Hamilton :-) Here:

"The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they're so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium."

"President Bush met with reporters in Tokyo Sunday with Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. Everyone was very tense. An international incident was avoided when President Bush did not try to pronounce his name on camera, and just called him Buddy."