Sunday, January 25, 2009

There's No Place Like Home...

Somewhat amusing...

There's no place like home... - alt.religion.scientology | Google Groups

In the Church of Ziontology, the state of Ovulating Zetan (OZ) is a spiritual state above Void. Our illustrious leader X. Con Buzzard, the founder of Ziontology and Trianetics, defined the state of OZ as "a sort of believing in yourself that you think that just maybe you might have a wee little bit of that so called thing I go on about now and then that I vaguely describe at some length as some kind of so called 'cause' over stuff like 'space, time, energy, and matter' and so on". Or whatever. But as a Ziontologist, because “The Buzz” said it, it’s a fact. And because “The Buzz” said it, it becomes a contractual obligation that you believe in all of that abstract nonsense with every fiber of your being for several billion years! And that can be just so incredibly liberating! You have to try it to experience it. It’s basically like wishful positive thinking but kind of like combined with a cocktail of steroids, amphetamines, mescaline and then some. Well, let me tell you that the state of OZ is really, really, really real! And it's worth every penny it costs to get you there! It’s the biggest win ever! At least it is for the Church of Ziontology. And it’s just so fun and easy to believe in it that its just, just, well… you know… just unbelievable!

So how do you get to OZ? I thought you would never ask, Dorothy! Nope, it’s not Down Under, and nope, it’s definitely not in Kansas, at least not anymore! Actually, according to that lovable old Wizard we affectionately call the Buzzard of OZ (you know, the guy who looks and acts a lot like Benny Hill), you just follow the Jell-O brick road. Actually, make that Jell-O Vodka Shot bricks, since that’s what Old Buzz always liked in the mornings. Sounds interesting? Well, for a modest amount of money, you can take eight courses with us in the following sequence:

OZ I: - A timid initial step towards the Bridge to Total Freedom
OZ II: - A frightened jump back away from the Bridge to Total Freedom
OZ III: - Penetrating the Wall of Liars that surrounds impenetrable whole track mystery
OZ IV: - The Ovulating Zetan Drug Deal shakedown
OZ V: - The New Error Trianetics for Ovulation Zetans
OZ VI: - Squeezing out the pustulates
OZ VII: - Ethic Cleansing OZ VIII: - Truth Repealed

And when you finish that last course, you finally get it! The "OZ VIII: Truth Repealed" course is a Zoloft-audited level that finally addresses the painful credulity of believing in the whole track thing, and all those levels and other stuff Buzz rambled on about. It also lets one finally see and appreciate the absurdity of one’s own miserable flat broke existence. This brings you to the first actual real true genuine OZ level. There, you finally realize that the great and powerful wizard is a fraud, and you find he is just an ordinary little old obese twit named X. Con Buzzard, hiding behind the curtain. And it brings about a complete and total loss of your rationality and cognitive abilities that finally opens up your path onto the Bridge to Total Freedom. At that point, finally delivers, and you might hear yourself muttering "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

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